So today, on International Women's Day I saw a movie that practically cut the existence of all the female characters of a movie because they weren't book canon~
This Tolkien Edit was a decent attempt to edit the whole of The Hobbit trilogy in one movie in order to make it more Book Canon compliant, and in most cases, it sorta works.
For those who want to know the main parts cut, you can visit the author's post (and place to download it) HERE.
That said, there are some things I did not like about the movie and I will express it here, with the force of CAPSLOCK. Because I was that upset. The main issues are three and in order of (dis)appearance are:
OMG WHERE THE HELL IS THE "BLUNT THE KNIVES" PART! YOU CAN'T FUCKING TELL IT IS NOT CANON BECAUSE THE FUCKING SONG IS IN THE FUCKING BOOK. IN FACT, I HAVE THE ERU-DAMNED BOOK RIGHT NOW WITH ME AND THERE'S THE SONG! IT'S THE ONLY FREAKING SONG THEY CUT BECAUSE "FAR OVER THE MISTY MOUNTAINS COLD" AND EVEN THE DAMN SONG THE GREAT TROLL SINGS IS THERE! AND EVERYONE WHO DAMN WELL KNOWS ME KNOWS I LOVE THAT SONG. THAT'S WHERE I FELL IN LOVE WITH THE DWARVES AND IN DWALIN'S WORDS "I WON'T FORGET THIS" *POINTS AND SHAKES FISTS* WELL FUCK YOU TOO, EDITOR!
OMG HOW DARE YOU TAKE OUT THE MITHRIL SHIRT SCENE! MY SHIPPING FANGIRL HEART ASIDE, THIS IS A FREAKING IMPORTANT MOMENT IN THE MOVIE! IT ESTABLISHES THORIN'S BOND WITH BILBO AND HOW HE EVEN SUSPECTS HIS KIN OF BETRAYAL BUT NEVER BILBO! THE CUT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE BECAUSE AFTERWARDS DURING THE ARKENSTONE DEBACLE BILBO EXPLAINS ONE OF THE REASONS HE DIDN'T GIVE THE GEM TO THORIN WAS BECAUSE DUDE WAS SO PARANOID HE WAS SUSPECTING HIS KIN! ALSO, EVEN IF THE MITHRIL SHIRT SCENE WASN'T AS INTENSE IN THE BOOK, THE FACT THAT THORIN GIVES BILBO THE FREAKING THING IS DAMN BOOK CANON! IT WAS THAT KINGLY GIFT THAT WAS WORTH MORE THAN THE SHIRE WHICH WAS THEN PASSED ON TO FRODO! AND IT DOESN'T EVEN APPEAR IN THE MOVIE! AS MUCH AS I LOVED THE ACORN SCENE, IT WOULD HAVE MADE A BIT (JUST A BIT) MORE SENSE TO CUT THAT ONE SINCE IT WASN'T CANON (BUT WAS ALSO IMPORTANT IN ORDER TO SHOW THAT THORIN WAS STILL THORIN UNDER THE DRAGON SICKNESS).
OK THIS SCENE IS NOT BOOK CANON BUT OMG IT WAS SO IMPORTANT AND BEAUTIFULLY ACTED!!! IT SHOWED THORIN'S LOWEST POINT OF HIS DRAGON SICKNESS THAT HE EVEN TURNS AGAINST A DEAR AND LONG TIME FRIEND! AND POOR DWALIN KNOWS IT TOO AND HIS HEARTBROKEN FACE IS TOO MUCH! RICHARD ARMITAGE AND GRAHAM MACTAVISH WERE ACTING THE HELL OUT OF THAT SCENE! HOW DARE YOU CUT THE MOMENT WHERE THEY GET TO SHINE TOGETHER! ARGH!!!!
Other minor moments that were cut off that pissed me off for sorta personal reasons were:
- ANYTHING INVOLVING MY DEAR BOFUR! MY DWARF BAE ALREADY HAS A SMALL SCREEN TIME AS IT IS, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO CUT (1) HIS SMALL DIALOGUE WITH THE OTHER DWARVES THAT STAYED IN LAKE TOWN AND (2) THE PART WHERE THEY REUNITED WITH THE DWARVES IN EREBOR AND HUG IT OUT AND STUFF!
- WHERE IS THE DAMN EAGLE RESCUE FROM THE TREES! THAT ONE IS ALSO FREAKING BOOK CANON! HOW COME BILBO SAYS "THE EAGLES ARE COMING" OR WHATEVER BY THE END OF THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES INSTEAD OF SHITTING HIMSELF AT THE SHIT OF GIANT-ASS EAGLES FLYING DOWN TO BATTLE IF HE HASN'T SEEN A ERU-DAMNED GIANT-ASS EAGLE BEFORE AND DOESN'T KNOW IF THEY ARE FRIEND OR FOE! INSTEAD WE HAVE THE COMPANY RUNNING FROM THE FREAKING EAST SIDE OF THE MISTY MOUNTAINS TO BEORN'S HALL! THEY CAN'T DO THAT! NOT EVEN GIMLI, ARAGORN AND LEGOLAS RAN FOR THAT LONG WITH A POOR HOBBIT WITH THEM! CAN HOBBITS EVEN RUN FOR DAYS?!?! BESIDES DIDN'T GIMLI SAY DWARVES ARE BETTER SPRINTERS THAN CROSS-CROUNTY RUNNERS! WE SAW PROOF OF THAT WITH DEAR BOMBUR OUTRUNNING EVERYONE IN ONE MIGHTY SPRINT! AND WE ALSO SEE PROOF IN THAT IN THE HOBBIT MOVIES BECAUSE WHILE THE DWARVES RUN, THEY SURE AS FUCK DON'T RUN FOR LONG DISTANCES OR LOTS OF TIME!
- I KNOW THE BARREL-RIDE AND THE "BARD PURCHASES FISH" WAS CUT OFF TO TIGHTEN THINGS UP BUT OMG NOW IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE HOW KILI GOT HURT ENOUGH TO HAVE TO STAY IN LAKE TOWN AND WHERE DID THOSE FISH COME FROM WHEN THEY ARRIVED IN LAKE TOWN!
Finally, WHY THE HELL THERE IS STILL SO MUCH ALFRID FUCKING LICKSPITTLE IN THE ERU-DAMNED MOVIE! IF YOU CAN MAKE TAURIEL PRACTICALLY DISAPPEAR AND LEGOLAS HAVE LIKE ONE SCENE (AND NOW WE DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL THORIN GOT BACK HIS SWORD ORCRIST TO FIGHT AZOG WITH), YOU CAN CERTAINLY CAN MAKE THAT SNIVELING LITTLE ASSHAT BE AWAY FROM MY SIGHT SOME MORE!!!!
But everything has a silver linning and the one I have in this "Tolkien Edit" is that the editor was so concentrated in making Tauriel and Legolas disappear that we get neither Fili's nor Kili's death scenes. And since nobody mentions they are dead, now I can go on believing they are alive.
So King Thorin is dead, Long Live King Fili!
Also, maybe Kili and Tauriel can meet in diplomatic excursions afterwards and fall in love anyway and live happily every after, and since Fili will probably marry a dwarf lady nobody will mind "the spare" having it on with an she-elf and having Princess Conchita Wurst of Erebor.